Why Am I Even On This Journey to Wellness? And, What Has it Been Like, So Far?

Ever felt like life glitched on you, and you’re stuck on a screen with a never-ending icon, just… spinning and going nowhere at the same time? I’ve been there on the path to my own wellness journey. Picture this: by my mid-twenties, I was a walking, talking, somewhat malfunctioning robot, navigating life’s endless to-do lists and social expectations like a pre-programmed drone. It was my method of self-preservation because, deep down, I was operating and existing in survival mode. I had zero idea who I was outside of what other people thought I should be, and if you asked me to define myself, I’d probably just beep and whirr in confusion (or ask, “well, how do you want me to define myself?”).

Imagine spending years in survival mode—yes, years, because I didn’t realize I was stuck there. My sympathetic nervous system was about as functional as a spaghetti noodle in a hurricane. Trauma and depression had been my uninvited roommates for so long that they were practically on the lease.

But here’s the twist: life kept “lifing”, and instead of letting its chaos completely derail me, I embarked on a decade-long quest for self-discovery, and it was anything but linear.

From being a numb, resentful, angry robot to actively creating a life I actually wanted to live, here’s how my wellness journey has helped me grow into a real-grownup. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t easy… but it was worth it.

The Turning Point: Realizing the Need for Change

• The Life Reset

So, how did I end up needing a reboot? Imagine life as a complex computer program, and one day, it just crashes. That was me in my mid-twenties. I’d gone through so many changes and challenges that once I stripped away everyone else’s noise concerning me, I felt like I’d been wiped clean. It was like I’d been living on autopilot, driven by other people’s expectations and societal norms, and I had no idea who the hell I was. And, by this time, I also had the added frustration of realizing I had absolutely no idea how to even begin breaking the habit of being who/what everyone else wanted me to be. People-pleasing was all I knew; especially if I cared for you (whether familial, platonic, or romantic). I was in a state of perpetual discontent, feeling like a glorified wind-up toy—robotically fulfilling roles and responsibilities while silently screaming inside. Every step felt like wading through molasses. I was completely detached from who I was and who I wanted to be.

To make matters worse, my sympathetic nervous system had been shot from all the trauma I’d been compartmentalizing. Survival mode had been my crutch for so long, I no longer knew I still had my own leg to stand on and use.

Eventually, a paradigm shift took place in my life that forced me to begin to respect the solitude. I was finally able to hear my own thoughts, wants, needs, goals… And, instead of me continuing to look externally at the world in anger and resentment (because how dare life leave me to figure this shit out by myself!), I was able to tune the world out, and look inside myself to figure out what was so paralyzing about the idea of living for me.

For my personal journey, the “aha” moment started here. Understanding how to approach the process to wellness had to start with some key moments of honesty with, understanding of, and grace for myself. The first honest conversation with myself was this: “Hey, Dee… you’ve been in survival mode, and have been cloaking it your “Superwoman-Do-it-All” schtick your entire life and I see it now… but that’s okay… because it’s helped you survive up until this point. Now, let’s work on the steps to letting go of your relationship to survival mode so you can live and not just exist.”

Understanding Survival Mode

Survival mode—a phrase that’s used so casually but feels like a weighty cloak you can’t quite shrug off. It’s like living in a constant state of high alert, where every day feels like you’re running from a metaphorical bear or you’re tip-toeing through a thousand lasers so you don’t trigger the alarm that will be your demise: “I’ve got to say yes, or they’ll hate me; they’ll be disappointed with me; they’ll think I can’t do the thing I said I could do; they’ll reject me; they’ll flat-out abandon me” “they’ll see my truths”… the list could go on. My trauma had left me in this state, and I didn’t even realize it until I took a step back and saw the bigger picture… I’m worth being the FIRST person I “people please”.

The thing about survival mode is that it becomes a default setting. It’s what you know; what you’re familiar with, even if it’s not ideal. It’s like being in a dark room and getting used to the darkness because the light switch is too far out of reach. And then, after being in the darkness for so long, you begin to forget that light even exists. And the moments you do get glimpses of light prove excruciating, because the body (the eyes) has become so conditioned, so accustomed at that point, to expect, and exist, and navigate in the dark that it, simply, cannot handle the light. So…I needed to understand and acknowledge that I was in this space in order to start working on my exit strategy of that behavior.

The Early Steps of My Wellness Journey

• Self-Reflection and Introspection

My journey began with self-reflection. I needed to figure out who I was outside of everyone else’s expectations. This was less of a grand revelation and more of a slow and steady process. Journaling became my best friend—my safe space to vent, reflect, and plan. I’d pour out my thoughts and feelings onto paper like a cathartic ritual, and trust me, it was as messy as it sounds. But it worked. For me, it was best that I write the introspective thoughts and feelings down as I navigated this space, because the temptation to be vocally extrospective in this process was far to high.

Meditation and mindfulness also played a significant role. I learned to sit with my thoughts, no matter how activated or jumbled or uncomfortable they were. It wasn’t about making them disappear but about making peace with them. Not everything requires an immediate reaction, so sitting with your thoughts (just the same as sitting with your emotions) can prove beneficial in ushering in ease.

• Disconnecting to Reconnect

Sometimes, the best way to reconnect with myself is to disconnect from everyone else. I had to take breaks from social connections, which felt awkward at first. I mean, it’s not every day you just ghost your friends and family. But these periods of solitude allowed me to focus on my inner self without the noise of external expectations. It was nothing personal. But, I’d made peace with the fact that this life path I’m on is for me. If I’m still attached to people who aren’t at a space to evolve into the area of healing and peace that I’m supposed to be in, then it’s okay to disconnect some of the depths of the attachments for a time.

It was during these breaks that I redefined my boundaries and figured out what really mattered to me. I even had enough clarity to see who amongst my circle was habitually taking advantage of the survival mode the could see me operating in.

With this time and space for clarity, I started enjoying my own company, learning to laugh at my quirks, and appreciating the simple joys of life—like laying in the rain without giving a damn about what other people thought about it to binge-watching my favorite shows in an adult onesie and oversized sneaker-slippers without feeling guilty.

• Reading and Learning

Books were my lifeline. I dove into self-help books, biographies, books on epigenetics, Toltec Wisdom, Spirituality, the intersections of psychology and behavioral science, and anything else that promised wisdom or insight. Quick fixes wasn’t the goal… I don’t even know if “answers” was, either; it was more understanding I was seeking. I found that many of these resources provided not only knowledge but also a sense of camaraderie. It was like having a conversation with someone who had been there, done that, and survived to tell the tale. Here are a few books that started the shift of the trajectory of my adulting journey:

These books all taught me the power of vulnerability and self-compassion (especially toward myself). I learned that giving myself and others grace wasn’t a sign of weakness but an essential part of healing and evolving.

Overcoming Setbacks and Embracing New Challenges

• The Life Curveball

Just as I started feeling like I was on the mend, life threw me another curveball: a diagnosis that would drastically affect the way I navigate life and the world. The subsequent treatments sent me into space of discouragement which led to me falling off track with my wellness journey and reverting to some old habits. It felt like I was finally learning to ride the bike, only to have someone throw a pie in my face before another person toss the log onto the sidewalk, waiting for me to blindly bust mt ass. It was a blow, and it was hard to process… and it was okay to feel that way in that moment.

Here’s where my wellness toolkit came into play. The introspection, the boundaries, the self-compassion—all of these tools became my survival gear for this new challenge. It was like I had been preparing for a storm, and now, when the storm hit, I had the right gear to face it this time around.

• Utilizing Wellness Tools

The tools I’d gathered over the years didn’t just sit on a metaphorical shelf; they were actively used. I leaned into my meditation practice to manage the stress and anxiety that came with the diagnosis. I used my journaling to process my emotions and keep track of my progress and my setbacks. And most importantly, I relied on the boundaries I’d set to ensure I wasn’t overwhelmed by external pressures.

I also learned to adapt. The diagnosis meant re-evaluating my lifestyle and adopting new health practices since I was adamant about being on as little medications as possible. It wasn’t about perfection but about finding what worked for me and sticking with it. I learned to embrace flexibility and focus on what I could control, rather than stressing over what I couldn’t.

Evolution of My Wellness Journey

• Transition from Survival to Thriving

As time went on, my wellness journey evolved from mere survival to actual thriving. I started seeing adulthood in a new light. And I began to humanize, not only society and peers, but the “grown-ups” in my life, too. I arrived in a space to where I could understand and give grace to the fact that “even they are just trying to figure this shit out, too!” It wasn’t about being perfect or having everything figured out. It was about learning, growing, and continually evolving.

I realized that being a “real-grownup” wasn’t about having all the answers; it was about having the courage to face whatever came my way with resilience and grace. My experiences taught me that it’s not the situations you find yourself in but how you navigate those situations that truly matter.

• Adopting a Plant-Based Lifestyle

One significant change was adopting a plant-based lifestyle. It wasn’t just a dietary choice; it was a way to heal my body from the treatments I’d undergone and prevent the recommendation of future treatments. I learned that food could be medicine and that eating well was an act of self-care.

Switching to a plant-based diet wasn’t without its challenges (because Wingstop was hot and ready to be devoured by the time Shonda’s Thursday-night lineup came on… gosh how I miss it). I had to learn new recipes, find new sources of protein, and sometimes face skeptical looks from friends and family. But it was ALL worth it. My energy levels improved, my health markers got better, I’ve been able to do away with 15 different medications and control the symptoms with flowers, natural herbs, plant extracts, etc and I felt more in control of my well-being. Most importantly, it’s what works… for me. Is a plant-based lifestyle ideal for everybody, no… but it’s what works for me. And if it doesn’t work for others, that’s perfectly fine; eat the porterhouse steak (but please, send me a picture so I can live vicariously through you, because YUM)

Key Lessons and Takeaways

• Self-Advocacy and Boundaries

One of the most valuable lessons I learned was the importance of self-advocacy. Standing up for myself and setting clear boundaries became crucial in maintaining my mental and emotional health. It’s about knowing your worth and not letting others dictate your boundaries or your experience.

• Physical Fitness and Health

Physical fitness has always been a cornerstone of my wellness journey. Regular exercise wasn’t just about staying fit; it was about feeling good and maintaining my mental health. I find joy and catharsis in movement, whether it be yoga, dancing, or hiking. You’re be surprised how much release of pinned-up emotions can happen when you just move. Even if you start with five minutes a day and work your way up to the habit of 60 minutes a day… start somewhere. He’re one of my favorite personal mantras: “Baby steps are still steps”. So celebrate the 5 minutes of physical activity until you’re able to celebrate the 60 minutes.

• Viewing and Navigating the World

My new perspective on life transformed how I interacted with the world. I started seeing challenges as opportunities for inner-growth rather than insurmountable obstacles. I approached life with curiosity, acceptance and resilience, and it changed how I experienced everyday moments and people, in general. I was able to approach those things and take them in as they authentically are rather than what my expectations or assumptions were. …Essentially, I’m at a place where I can view and navigate the world while relinquishing the desire to control or assume responsibility for everything that was never mine to touch in the first place. I realized “As much as I want to fix this thing… it may just not be my responsibility to fix… and, furthermore, I may, very well, be ill-equipped to fix this thing in the first place. Not everything is my load to carry, and I’m breaking the habit of volunteering myself for that”.

Embracing the Journey

Reflecting on my journey, I realize that wellness is not a destination but a continuous process. It’s about evolving, learning, and growing. My life circumstances could have broken me, but instead, they propelled me toward growth and self-discovery.

If you’re reading this and feeling stuck, remember that starting your wellness journey doesn’t have to be dramatic or all-encompassing. It can begin with small steps: a moment of self-reflection, a decision to set boundaries, or a commitment to self-care.

Life is messy, unpredictable, and sometimes downright unfair. But with the right tools and mindset, you can navigate it with grace and resilience. Embrace your journey, give yourself grace, and remember that being a real-grownup is about continually growing and adapting… and being proud of the baby steps along the way.

If my story resonates with you, I’d love to hear about your wellness journey. What steps have you taken to navigate your own challenges? Share your experiences in the comments below or connect with me on social media. And don’t forget to subscribe to stay updated on more insights and inspiration for living your best life.

Here’s to your journey—may it be filled with growth, grace, and a few good laughs along the way.