Setting and Enforcing Boundaries: My Love-Hate Relationship
Ever feel like you’re living in a never-ending episode of a reality TV show where everyone’s testing your limits? If so, you’re not alone. In the chaotic world we live in, I feel like setting and enforcing boundaries is like having an invisible force field that keeps you sane. But let’s get real: understanding and setting boundaries was (and, sometimes, still is) as confusing as trying to assemble furniture without the manual. So, allow me to share what I’ve learned along the way about boundaries—both hard and soft—and how they helped with my own emotional and mental wellness journeys. Spoiler alert: setting boundaries isn’t just about saying “no” to others, but about saying “yes” to yourself.
Understanding Boundaries
What Are Boundaries?
Think of boundaries as a personal fence line—except instead of keeping out goats or nosy neighbors, they keep out stressors, discomfort, and unwanted drama (especially the drama the never belonged to you in the first place). Boundaries help me define what is acceptable and what’s off-limits in my personal and professional life. They help maintain a sense of stability and ensure that my emotional and mental well-being doesn’t get trampled on.
The grey area for me: defining the hard and soft boundaries and balancing my desire for peace with the degree of the rigidity that, at times, I develop as I begin setting and enforcing the boundaries.
Hard Boundaries vs Soft Boundaries: The “Turtle Doves” of My Wellness Journey
This is the easiest way I can describe how I define hard and soft boundaries for my life:
Imagine your personal space is a fortress. Hard boundaries are like the castle walls: tall, impenetrable, and definitely not up for negotiation. They’re unmovable. Think of it as your “no trespassing” sign—like when you refuse to let anyone barge into your home uninvited or snoop through your private stuff. These are your absolute “no-go” zones, and they’re set in stone.
On the other hand, soft boundaries are like the drawbridge that can be lowered under the right conditions. They’re flexible and can be adjusted depending on the situation. For example, you might be open to letting friends crash at your place for a weekend (but not indefinitely), or you might be okay with a little flexibility in how your work hours are structured. These are your “I’m cool with it—within reason” zones.
So, think of hard boundaries as your fortress walls keeping out the dragons and invaders, while soft boundaries are the drawbridge you can adjust based on who’s knocking. Both are crucial for maintaining a healthy personal space, just in different ways.
Why Setting Boundaries Matters
Let’s face it: life can sometimes feel like a circus where you’re the tightrope walker juggling flaming torches. Setting boundaries is my safety net. Without them, I risk a repeat phase of burnout, stress, and losing sight of what makes me happy. Here’s why I began to learn how to set boundaries:
Emotional Protection
Boundaries are like my emotional shield. They help prevent me from getting emotionally battered by other people’s demands or criticisms. For instance, if I have a hard boundary against taking work calls during dinner, I’m protecting my precious downtime and ensuring I don’t end up feeling frazzled or disconnected from my personal life.
Mental Wellness
In my eyes, mental wellness is like a garden that needs to be tended to regularly. Without boundaries, it’s easy for weeds of stress and anxiety to overtake my well-being. By setting limits, I’m able to create a serene environment where I can recharge and focus on what matters. I can’t pour from an empty cup… so allow me the time to pour into myself, too… and first.
Healthy Relationships
Boundaries are not just for protecting myself but also for enhancing my relationships. Clear boundaries help others understand what’s acceptable and what’s not, leading to fewer misunderstandings and less friction.
My ideal goal in authentic relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, etc), is that the other person sees me. I don’t feel that one can fully “see” me unless they’re willing to honor my hard boundaries, and have patience enough to offer a negotiation concerning my soft ones.
Examples of Hard and Soft Boundaries
Here are a few random scenarios that better define hard/soft work/personal boundaries.
Work Life Boundaries:
Hard Boundaries: The Office Fortress Picture your work hours as a medieval castle. Hard boundaries are like the castle drawbridge that slams shut at 5 PM sharp. You’re not checking emails at midnight or taking work calls during family dinner. It’s a non-negotiable rule: the castle is closed for the day. For instance, “I do not answer work calls after 6 PM” is a firm hard boundary.
Soft Boundaries: The Flexible Drawbridge Now, soft boundaries are like your castle’s drawbridge—sometimes you let it down a bit. Maybe you’re okay with a quick work chat if it’s a real emergency, or you might stay late occasionally if a big project is on the line. Soft boundaries are about being flexible with your time, but only if it’s worth it. For example, “I prefer to keep weekends free, but I’m open to working on a Sunday if absolutely necessary” is a soft boundary that allows for some wiggle room.
Personal Life Boundaries:
Hard Boundaries: The Personal Space Shield In your personal life, hard boundaries are like your invisible shield. No one’s getting through unless they respect your rules. For instance, if you’ve got a hard boundary that says, “No one touches my stuff without asking,” it’s like you’re the superhero of your own private domain. No exceptions!
Soft Boundaries: The Flexible Fence Soft boundaries here are like a fence that you can open for special guests. Maybe you’re open to a spontaneous movie night with friends even if you usually stick to your solo Netflix routine. Or perhaps you’re okay with a last-minute visit from family, as long as they don’t show up at 2 AM. Soft boundaries let you enjoy the flexibility of life while still maintaining some semblance of order.
So, whether you’re guarding the castle gates of your work life or maintaining your personal space shield, understanding the difference between hard and soft boundaries helps you keep your sanity intact (it certainly did for me). It’s all about knowing when to slam that drawbridge shut and when to let it down just a little!
How I Began Setting Hard Boundaries
Setting hard boundaries required a blend of courage (to be okay with pissing people off if it meant my soul got to breathe), clarity (to discern when I was setting a “real” boundary and when there was a trauma/trigger I was trying to avoid by cloaking it it “boundary”), and consistency (not just with others, but in knowing that even if I accidentally moved a hard boundary and ended up wounded, it was important to keep trying). Here’s how to do it without turning into a boundary-setting robot:
Identify Your Needs and Limits
Start by figuring out what’s non-negotiable for you. Ask yourself what makes you feel stressed or overwhelmed. Is it work emails at midnight? Family members who overstay their welcome? Pinpointing these issues helps in setting clear limits.
Communicate Clearly and Assertively
When setting a hard boundary, clarity is key. Use simple, direct language. For instance, if you’re done with work at 5 PM, you might say, “I will not be checking emails after 5 PM.” No need for long explanations or justifications—just a clear statement of your boundary.
Be Consistent – Consistency is crucial. If you waver on your boundaries, people might not take them seriously. The key to consistency is not to be overly critical of yourself if/when you do allow your boundaries to be crossed again. It is to remain consistent in “trying again” when you do.
How to Begin Setting Soft Boundaries
Soft boundaries, for me, are more about flexibility and less about rigidity. Here’s how I aim to continue to set them effectively:
Reflect on Your Preferences and Flexibility
Think about areas where you can be flexible. For example, if you enjoy socializing but need downtime, reflect on how much time you need and how to communicate this to others.
Express Your Boundaries in a Flexible Manner
When discussing soft boundaries, frame them in a way that allows for exceptions. For instance, “I usually prefer to handle work tasks during business hours, but I’m open to occasional adjustments if needed.” This approach sets a guideline while keeping the door slightly ajar.
Monitor and Adjust
Soft boundaries can be adjusted based on your needs and circumstances. Regularly check in with yourself to see if your boundaries are working or if they need tweaking. If you find that you’re feeling overwhelmed, it might be time to revise them.
Accidentally Allowing Others to Cross Boundaries
Let’s be honest: even with the best intentions, sometimes we let people cross our boundaries. Here’s how I acknowledge and handle it:
Signs I’m Allowing Boundaries to Be Crossed
Whenever I get to a space where I’m frequently feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or stressed, I know something needs recalibrating. They’re usually the signs that my boundaries are being crossed. If I find myself saying yes to things I’d rather decline or feeling guilty for not meeting others’ demands, it might be time to reassess.
Why I Think It Happens
Allowing my boundaries to be crossed often stems from a desire to please others or a fear of conflict. I might say yes out of guilt, or fear of disappointing someone, or a belief that my needs are less important than others’… or all of the above! Recognizing people-pleasing behaviors & cycles is a whole entire beast of its own, so we’ll tackle that topic another day. But until we do… remember this, “If you believe you may be a people pleaser, ask yourself this question: Do I sacrifice my own joy/happiness/comfort on a consistent basis, and am left feeling empty no matter how many ‘good deeds’ I do for others?” You MAY be a people-pleaser, and the tricky part about people-pleasing, is that you eventually lose portions of your own identity in the process. When I was a people-pleaser, I, simply, didn’t want to disappoint others… because if I put myself first for just ONE moment… I felt selfish. At the time, the guilt associated with “choosing me” is what caused me to continue to allow my boundaries to be crossed… until I just couldn’t take it anymore, because I woke up one day, and had no idea who I was outside of the expectations others had for/of me.
Strategies to Reassert Boundaries
When you realize your boundaries have been crossed, it’s time to reassert them. Politely but firmly restate your limits. Acknowledge the lapse and reinforce your boundary as many take as it takes… you’ll get it, eventually.
Giving Myself Grace
I learned that setting and maintaining boundaries wasn’t a one-time event but an ongoing process. So if there was one major takeaway in this entire process, it would be this: It’s important to be kind to yourself along the way.
Understanding That Boundary Setting Is a Process
Don’t expect to get everything perfect right away. Setting boundaries is like learning a new skill. It takes practice and patience. If you slip up, don’t beat yourself up—acknowledge it and move on. Here’s one of my life mantra’s: “Baby steps, are still steps”. So… slip, trip, bust your ass… just know, the process is never-ending. There will be days were you’ll crush it with boundary-setting… then, there will be those days where the battle best picked is “screw it… I’m going to do the thing I said I wasn’t going to do”. Give yourself grace, move on, and try again the next time. It. Is. A. PROCESS. And most processes require a little trial and error, right?
Self-Compassion and Reflection
Be gentle with yourself. Reflect on what worked and what didn’t, and give yourself credit for the efforts you’ve made. If you’ve had a boundary lapse, remember that it’s an opportunity to learn and adjust. This is how we sharpen our life-tools. Hit the rock, take the rock, and sharpen the blade so you’re protected the next time you step into the wild world of adulthood.
Tips for Staying Motivated and Resilient
Stay motivated by reminding yourself of the benefits of boundaries—less stress, more personal time, and healthier relationships. Celebrate small victories and progress, and keep a journal to track your boundary-setting journey and reflect on improvements. Eventually, you’ll realize that those boundaries you set turned into habits you’ve kept.
Setting boundaries, whether hard or soft, is crucial for maintaining your emotional and mental wellness. They’re not about being rigid or unkind but about creating a space where you can thrive. By understanding the difference between hard and soft boundaries and learning how to implement and maintain them, you’ll be better equipped to protect your well-being and nurture your relationships.
So, take a deep breath, establish your boundaries, and remember: it’s okay to give yourself grace for the relapses as you navigate this boundary-setting adventure. Your mental and emotional health are worth it.
